10 May 2005

Nigerian 419 Scam Letters

You've got to be kidding me, Right? Sending Dr. E. Scientist a 419 scam request? Well two can play at that game, me boyos.
First, Dr. Allo Halopti claims to have a few odd quid left behind by a French film company. And since we all enjoy French films:
Dear Dr. Halpoti,

I am well aware of the antics of the thieving bastards at Agente Filme Francois, Ltd. For many years I worked for them under the nom-de-plumb “Erect Steele”.

My credits with AFF encompass over thirty films including the lead role in the big budget “Goodwill Humping” (1999), “Schindler’s Fist” (2000) and the cross-over classic (Roger Ebert gave it an enthusiastic: “Two Thumbs WAY Up”), “Shaving Ryan’s Privates” that was nominated for four Woodies at the 23rd California Respectable Adult Motion Picture awards.

Sadly, in late 2002, I was having difficulty achieving the money shot, or, as we refer to it in the industry; “proof of purchase”. AFF’s onsite doctor/fluffer prescribed some Kampuchian manufactured Viagra.

While the resulting 8 hour priapism allowed me to shoot the action packed thriller “The Need for Seed”, the charming adult Seuss remake “Horton Feels a Ho” and the tear jerker “Touched by an Angel” in their entirety, my pleasure popsicle has never been the same. The AFF management cut me from their line-up without so much as a “golden shower”.

This was the goad to take me to the next step; directing! “What”, I asked myself, “motivates a mumbling, drooling, and possibly psychotic wino?” Armed with several cases of Chinese Tequila, and a cheap .32Cal. pistol, I set out on an epic voyage of discovery.

I have thus honed my self-directing and method acting skills through appearances on the TV show “COPS”, viz: naked drunk in broom closet at Topeka, KS Shriner’s convention, (episode #62); Incoherent machete wielding Hare Krishna, LA Airport (episode #138); line up suspect #4 (possible poodle molester) Little Rock, AR (episode #205). I believe that my performances in both media speak for themselves.

Aloo, I have just the investment you require! Back me, and we will produce adult films the likes of which the world has never seen. If you would be so kind as to send me your address and $35.00US to cover international shipping and insurance, I would be delighted to send you a video of my acting and directing highlights.

In order to protect you from embarrassment, I’ll even mark the package as “Educational tapes: Animal husbandry- artificial insemination methodology”, which, truth be told, is not too far from the mark.

I look forward to your reply, so that we can move our business relationship to the next level.

Best regards,
Skip “Erect
Steele” Vermicelli
Lucas Zuma is the only son of the Sierra Leone Diamond and Mining Corporation's late Director of Finance Chief Vincent R. Zuma. Lucas, along with his 17-year old sister Juliet, are looking for a foreigner to help them dispose of $27 million, because his father warned him on his deathbed that he should "avoid African men with their greedy and evil mind." Oh yes; according to his letter he has recently “found Jesus”. Well, Brother Lucas….

Dear Mr. Zuma,

I believe that your letter has arrived at a serendipitous moment. As you may well know, we here at WondaWafa™
Inc., manufacture communion wafers and are currently getting ready to roll out our latest product, a low-carb wafer to be marketed under the name “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus!”™ (Product testing indicates that trans-substantiation
remains unaffected).

We believe that Africa in general, and Sierra Leon in particular would be a great potential new market. We are looking for enterprising investors to purchase franchises of what will no doubt be the next best thing to sliced bread.

Please forward $29.95US (cash only, please!) to the address below for an informative video explaining your exciting new
future as a WondaWafa™ franchisee.

Be sure to specify either DVD or VHS format, and allow 6-8 weeks for overseas delivery.

Please act promptly, as we are offering franchises on a “first-come, first-served” basis. We would prefer to sell you the lucrative Sierra Leon franchise, rather than Libya, where
sales forecasts remain gloomy.

Yours sincerely,
Jethro Clampett
Director of Sales
WondaWafa™, Inc.
Lemming Crossing, PA

Mr. Joseph Chau represents
a bank that holds the considerable assets of the late Mr. Poot who passed away while tsunami surfing. Mr. Poot?!

Dear Mr. Chau,

I’m sorry to hear about the death of Mr. Poot. I knew an Irvin Poot in high school. He played wind instruments in our school orchestra, with a fluidic technique.

I doubt if your customer was the same Poot, but it is still sad. As my grandfather used to say, “It’s an ill wind that blows from the south”.

I’m not sure that what you are proposing is strictly legal. As a business owner I can’t afford to cause any legal stink. As my grandfather used to say, “The amount moral fiber in your diet will set the tone of your business dealings”, and after digesting his words, I have strived to live up to his ideal. Perhaps I might suggest an alternative that would be satisfying for both of us.

We at Fat Yankee™ Cutlery, Inc. produce a variety of kitchen tools, but our most famous and lucrative products are our cheese slicers. As we like to say, “Nothing cuts the cheese like a Fat Yankee™!”

In the last few years we have devoted most of our foreign cheese cutting efforts to France, where business if booming for us, but I think we made a big mistake by neglecting other parts of the globe.

I think it would be satisfying for both of us if we aimed our business end for Asia in your direction. I feel that businessmen of your caliber would be the ideal target for Fat Yankee™ cheese cutting products. What do you say? We would be happy to send you some product samples free of charge. Please send me your mailing address, and I will follow up with some cheese cuttings, toot de suit.

Best Regards,
Wreke E. Flatus, CEO
Fat Yankee Cutlery, Inc.
8 Beans Rd.
Roaring Gap, PA, 16823
None of the bastards ever e-mailed me back.

And that's the way I likes it.