10 June 2005

Taxation without defenestration

I am not a fan of taxation. Why should I be expected to pay for my share of the nuclear weapons arsenal, when they consistently deny me access?

Just a note to all you selfish military types out there: You’re not the only ones whose projects can benefit through the application of gratuitous ordnance

01 June 2005

Letter to the Good Brother, II

Good God, the poor fool actually said I could come and visit. I suspect a trap, but I can’t pass up an opportunity to empty one of Her Majesty’s liquor cabinets.

In the end, I had to accept:

Dear Brother,

Excellent work! Please inform the resort management of my arrival, and pass along my requirements:

Two Faberge eggs with inner mechanism re-fitted to play “Yankee Doodle”, and "Proud to be an American" when opened; one Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat; eight wardrobes of flash waistcoats, spats, coat, tails and toppers.

150 bushels, pots and amphorae of cinnamon, saffron, nutmeg, frankincense, truffle oil and other rare and exotic spices, oils and extracts; three dozen bird’s nests retrieved by Sea Gypsies from the cliffs of an uncharted island in the Mergui archipelago to be served in an invigorating soup with lavender ginger root and gold flake; the calcified proboscis of the last Tyrannosaurus Rex, preserved in a green ichor of thrice-distilled Mongolian absinthe and rare flowers from the Peruvian Alps, to be consumed a gram per day over the course of the visit, for prevention of the Vapours

At least 3 virgin concubines of unsurpassed beauty and virtue not-so-true, trained in the Aegyptian, Hindoo and Siamese schools of lovemaking.

Furthermore, as conveyance to my, no doubt, many engagements in and around town, I shall require a cedar palanquin embossed in silver with turquoise inlay, curtained in Laotian silk with openings in Jadeite beadwork, carried by six matching scantily clad Amazon litter bearers and driven by an outlandishly attired Moor brandishing a leopard-gut and gorilla-fur knout.

You may assure the resort management that I they shall be paid in full for these services prior to my departure. I've gone so far as to provide a phrase to help you in your endeavours:

"Kogda Vy priedete v SShA, Vam stanet izvestno skol'ko kupit desyatka." (Translation: “If you come to the United States, You’ll find that a dime is a lot of money”).

I look forward to the visit, and trust that there will not be a repetition of the Parisian fiasco, when I was forced to spend the entire time locked in a padded cell, deep within the bowels of that vile Francophonic Bedlam.

With affection,
Your brother,
E. Scientist,

More to follow.

And that's the way I likes it.