15 July 2005

Absolut diSister

Today, some inconsiderate sod rang my doorbell at 11 in the morning. Now, as a successful independent villain I get up at the crack of noon, so this fellow really got up my nose.

He claimed he was selling Amway, but even without a cuppa, I could tell he was an MI6 agent. Long story short, I bunged him into the neighbor’s trash bin. Let those bastards explain a corpse to the Coppers for a change.

I did pretty well on the deal; coming away with a 1974 Pinto and about 20 gallon bottles of multi purpose sinus cavity exfoliant / industrial detergent that I’ll use as a high pressure lower GI track lavage for the next SOB that disturbs my sleep.

Naturally, this put me in a good mood as I went about my morning ablutions. I should have known that black thunderheads hovered on the horizon. The phone rings. It’s my sister.

I’m doomed.

It’s not that Sis is eeevil, per se, but she does get bored easily, and these times usually end up as valuable if painful, life lessons.

When we were much younger, she would assuage her boredom by arranging my elder brother to commit GBH on my tender carcass.

“Evil”, she said, “Go tell your brother that he’s a twirly whirly girly”

“Get knotted” I replied. “He’ll pound me”

“Not if he can’t find you. Call him a twirly whirly girly, and hide under my bed. He’ll never find you there”

Now, this was before I consumed all of those brain enhancing lead paint chips, so I simply wasn’t the sharpest knife in the multiple stab-wounded corpse.

“Okay” says I. I called him that, and dashed under her bed.

“Where’s that little bugger?” My much larger brother roared.

“Under my bed” Sis replied demurely.
I heard her voice today and panicked.

“Evil, I know you're there. I can hear your breathing” She said. “Evil, I’m so bored!”

I am frozen to the floor. There is no escape.

There is no escape, but the tomb.

And that's the way I likes it.