11 July 2005

All the Good Henchpeople are Taken

The going is tough for the independent Evil Genius. Most of the best henchmen, erm, henchpeople (strong union) are taken by corporate villains with better dental plans.

Things were running smoothly. Agents of good being lowered into vats of boiling acid, gold being pilfered from Fort Knox, commode lids being left down; you know, the usual.

Then, sure as eating Cheetos and surfing for pornography mysteriously turns one’s “Daddy parts” orange, the New York robot busts a gasket and shoves an arm through a wall. Of course the henchineer in charge of service can’t restrain it by herself. GAHH!

Now, you are all thinking “I didn’t see anything on the tube about a robot amok in New York” That’s because ROBOTS DON’T RUN AMOK IN NEW YORK, YOU DOLTS! THAT'S TOKYO!

Jesus wept! Listen, if New Yorkers wanted to see a cityscape flattened by berserk robots with radioactive breath and toxic waste spray action, they’d bloody well cross the Hudson to Newark.

No, New York robots are boring things that perform menial tasks like selling crack at kindergartens, shaking down prostitutes and serving in the US Senate.

Long story short, I fixed the robot myself and am now adding the finishing touches to my new GirlBots. I figure I can sell one to each geek out there that knows what a chromatic dragon is.

That’s right, YOU, you dateless freak. I’ll be ready to ship tomorrow, so drop me an e-mail with all of your credit card numbers.

All I need to do is to add the finishing touches, and procure some Cheetos.

And that's the way I likes it.