24 July 2005

Foreign Policy

I found this news snippet to be very informative. It seems that a Cricket match was truncated to allow for the regularly scheduled appearance of a Simpsons rerun.

Now, a Cricket match is long enough to show several Simpsons episodes during the inevitable bathroom / hashish / ”time-outs .as the Australian mascot eats yet another hapless spectator” breaks,* but the State Department demands that the Simpsons be shown at its’ regularly scheduled time, come Hell, high water, or Ashes.

This has been a cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Clinton administration, and such is our commitment to it, that we are willing to alienate our two most important allies in the war in Iran, Iraq, or whatever the hell the name is.

In the dusty far-off, people toss around consonants like peas in a shell game. It would make it much easier for us to bomb the correct country if they minded their p’s and q’s; or n’s and q’s in this case.

Let’s face it, we may have sophisticated satellite imagery, but our grasp of geography is somewhat poor, since our maps are based on McDonald’s™ tray liners.
While I made a fortune supplying these maps to the government, there have been some other geopolitical repercussions. (Notably, whenever a CIA analyst notices that the Hamburglar™ has made off with one of Mayor McCheese’s™ freedom fries, China is in dire peril of losing another embassy.)

In an attempt to ameliorate this problem, I have composed a little musical mnemonic to help out our government officials:

“Iran, Iran, Iran,
Over your stupid little, ankle-biting yap dog.
I rock, I rock, I rock”

The State Department has yet to adopt it formally, but I’ve been playing it non-stop over their Tannoy system to familiarize them with it, while simultaneously informing the Paxton-Smythes that their Pomeranian, “Fluffy”, is in a better place now; the ditch.

(*Christ, don’t you Australians have any animals that aren’t spiky/toothy/poisonous/Paul Hogan? I'd be terrified to leave the house. Remind me to never piss-off your lot )

And that's the way I likes it.