10 July 2005

The Name game

You may not think that volunteering for the Cub scouts does not fit the image of an Evil Genius bent on World domination, but what the hell do you know? Do you have a Platinum Preferred Premium Plus membership in the Hall of Villainy™, hmm?

No? Then shut the hell up.

The first rule of getting henchmen is to hook them when they’re young. In the Scouts, we teach them how to set fires*, urinate on public lands, cook and consume high caloric and carcinogenic “food stuffs”, and how to sing the most irritating song on the planet; the one that will make their parents long for the peace of a lonely shallow grave.

I am, of course, referring to “The Name Game” (Copyright 1970 by Shirley Ellis, a wholly owned subsidiary of Pure Evil, Inc.). Regardez:

“Come on everybody!
I say now let's play a game
I betcha I can make a rhyme out of anybody's name
The first letter of the name, I treat it like it wasn't there
But a B or an F or an M will appear
And then I say bo add a B then I say the name
and Bonana fanna and a fo
And then I say the name again with an F very plain
and a fee fy and a mo
And then I say the name again with an M this time
and there isn't any name that I can't rhyme
Arnold, Arnold bo Barnold Bonana fanna fo Farnold
Fee fy mo Marnold Arnold! "

And so on.

Inevitably some fat, bloated hydrocephalic idiot will bring up the name Chuck, shocking the Victorian sensibilities of all parents in earshot, teaching the kiddies a new word that will get them a whoopin’ when they get home, and generally ruining the moment for everyone.

Which, I suppose, is why I keep doing it.

(* Great slogan, Smokey: ”Only you can stop forest fires.” Sort of implies that only God can start forest fires, dunnit? I quickly disproved this blatant lie to my Cub Scout Troop, believe you me).

And that's the way I likes it.