22 July 2005

These things I believe...

I had a chat this morning with my earnest young parole officer (EYPO).

“Evil,” He said.

Dr. Scientist!” I replied frostily. One must nip such impertinent familiarity in the bud, or the EYPOs will start having all sorts of unreasonable demands like “Don’t build any more death-rays” and “Stop trying to devalue the Euro”. Wankers.

“Sorry, Doctor. What I started to say was that I can’t get a handle on you. What motivates you? What characteristics will help you walk the straight-and-narrow? What do you believe in?”

He leaned towards me to make good Earnest Young Parole Officer eye contact and handed me a form to fill out.

“Christ,” I thought. “Another woolly brained prat who read in sociology and graduated Summa Cum Swallower from some fancy woman’s university.” Still, I suppose it’s better than the old sort that would as soon club you as look at you.; after all, that sort of thing is my job.

I gingerly accepted the form from him. Just the thing to scrape the bird poo from my truck.

But he did plant a seed. What do I believe in? Well:

I believe that pants and underwear are optional.

I believe that I have every right to perform random cavity searches on members of the general public.

I believe that the CIA has implanted a computer in my teeth.

I believe that the CIA should upgrade that computer so that I can download porn more efficiently.

I believe that there is nothing wrong with trading the Boss’ car for drugs.

I believe that it was a mistake to answer “Because you’re lonely and looking for a good time?” when the policeman asked me if I knew why he pulled me over.

I believe that I really ought to have fled the scene when he answered “Yes”.

I believe that children are our future.

I believe that our future is grim, dark, hopeless, and as soon as I turn my back on the little bastards, one of them will jab me in the rump with a pencil.

And that's the way I likes it.