28 July 2005

What are you doing to prepare for the coming Zombie invasion?

Sure, you’ve watched all the George Romero films, but that’s like trying to learn about drugs by reading a school anti-drugs pamphlet. The only way to learn about drugs and Zombies is by taking a personal, hands-on approach. As the public service portion of my parole agreement, I'd like to supply some advice.

First off, you need the tools. Guns, guns and more guns. Flamethrowers, gobs of HE, pointy thingies and yes, even clubs. If anyone wants to know why you’re packing more weaponry than your average drug lord, they’re probably zombies. Demonstrate what you have learned here.

Secondly. Practice, practice, practice. Stopped in gridlock? We need fewer drivers. Bored at work? Replace the break room coffee with decaf. Whacking practice may then commence at about 11AM. Try not to hit any of the payroll people. Yes, they’re zombies, but we need them if we are to support our binge drinking habits.

Finally, know thy enemy. It’s easy to recognize a zombie if he’s staggering around saying “Brrrraaaaiinnsss!” or is a politician, but what about the border-line cases? Let’s try some exercises:

Keith Richards? Definitely. He died of a heroin overdose in 1970. Amazingly, he looks better as a zombie. Too torpid to fuss about. No need to club.

Keanu Reeves? Not a zombie, but brain likely eaten by one. Reader’s choice as to whether to club or not.

Tom Cruise, John Travolta and the rest of those whacky Scientologists? No, but let’s club them anyway.

Scientists? Leave them alone. Scientists are your friends, and would never hurt a fly.

And that's the way I likes it.