02 August 2005

A mown of agony.

Twenty Major had issues with a fly running into his wang. I believe I can top that.

Lately, the fact that temerature and humidity is dangerously high, has forced me to seek the refuge of premises that have, through a strange quirk of fate, beer to sell. Naturally, this means that I have had no time to mow the lawn this summer.

"No problem", I thought. I'll buy some goats to crop the grass.

Alas, Gretchen, being the fussy @#%!* that she is, placed me under embargo until the lawn was mowed.

I cursed, moped, and made every excuse I could. I didn’t want to mow the lawn tonight. It was too late, and our elderly neighbors; the Kauffmans (the ones with the immaculate yard) were sitting on their porch, and would watch me. I hate people watching me work. No way was I going to do it tonight.

So there I was, mowing the yard at dusk. In order to annoy the neighbors, I wore a tight baby doll t-shirt and shorts with enough crack to have some serious street value.

I’d barely started when some little bastard shot me in the ass with a BB gun. Then in the left thigh. I prepared to throttle.

That was about the time I saw the cloud of hornets. I no longer wanted to strangle some little shit. I wanted to run.

It was just about that time when one of the hornets found that special place, known as the “ ‘taint”.

I could almost hear the Kauffmans:
“He dances pretty good for a fat boy doesn’t he, Papa?”
“Ya, Pretty good runner too, but he’d go faster if he stopped yelling all them French words!”

I made it inside just ahead of the cloud of stingy things.

“Why don’t I hear the lawnmower?” Gretchen asked.

“I dunno; maybe because it’s allergic to wasps, and is in anaphylactic shock?”

We had two cans of Über Toxic Bug Death™, and I grabbed them both.

“You know, they can develop immunity to that stuff if you keep using it”

“Well can they develop immunity to that stuff, and FIVE GALLONS OF BURNING GASOLINE?”



She didn’t think so either.

There was no negotiated peace; I got the little fuckers. The back yard is now an EPA Superfund site, and there is a large scorch mark on the retaining wall that is still burning fitfully. The lawn remains unmowed, and I remain under embargo.

And if the hornets do develop immunity to burning gasoline, we’ll sell the place cheap and move far, far away.

Side note: For first aid, Gretchen gave me, and I am not making this up; Adolph's Meat Tenderizer to put on the stings. First of all, nothing with "Adolph" on it is going to be applied down there, and secondly "Meat Tenderizer" sounds too much like anti-Viagra.

In any event, the swelling went down reasonably quickly and as far as that particular sting goes; it only hurt when I breed.


And that's the way I likes it.