13 August 2005

Sticks and stones may break your bones, which I will try next.

I am still not getting enough decent hate mail, so I am forced to respond to SpankyClown’s indignant retort to my previous insulting post . I know it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, but until I get some more intelligent people furious with me, I must pick on the sub-normal posters by default.
SpankyClown writes:

“dude I’n not john and u r still not funny. y don’t u use you’re real name chicken!”

Well, “SpankyClown”, I would use my real name, but it’s an ancient tantric sex mantra. While the vast majority of people are sufficiently grounded in reality to oppose the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, (not to mention the whips, chains and Great Danes of B&D/S&M); the average opossum molesting misanthrope (that’d be you) upon hearing my name would be reduced to prancing naked around their place of employment, crotch-flossing themselves with a feather boa whilst moaning in vast, shuddering paroxysms of ecstasy. I simply could not give my name in good conscience, knowing how dangerously dehydrated you would become.

No need to thank me; I’m a philanthropist.

You do, however, bring up a good point. It simply isn’t fair that I have a cool posting name, and that yours is the internet equivalent of a chancre.
I have given this great thought, (for at least 20 seconds), and I’ve come up with a few less suck-filled names that I think would suit you well.

1) “The Sheik of Dementia”

Not regal enough? How about:

2)“His Royal Anus; the Clown Prince of Imbicilistan”?

Or, if you’d like a more religious nick:

3)“His Arse-Holiness, the Polyp”.

Not into religion? You are a bit of a Hippie/mama’s basement dwelling Star Trek fan-boy, aren’t you? How about:

4) “His Vulgar Putrescence; Defender of the Filth, Bane of the Armies of Hy-Giene, Abhorrer of Soap”?

Feel free to use any of these, and keep those e-mails coming!

And that's the way I likes it.