08 September 2005

Forgit those who trespass against us

Forget law enforcement agencies and secret agents , the biggest problem facing the modern hillbilly evil scientist is trespassers.

Just this morning, I woke up in a clearing. I was without pants, as is the custom after imbibing Tequila. But what the hell; if a man’s home is his Castle, surely a man’s land is his fiefdom and any serf that would view my bottomly bareness can deal with the resulting emotional trauma after they got my crops in.

A generation or so, this would be understood by all. Most people would react immediately and viscerally to the command "Git, you wretched patchouli reeking hippy!" by fleeing in uriny panic, (especially when the message was punctuated by flecks of spittle and some well placed gratuitious ordnance). These days, I get greeted by indignant stares. I lay the blame at the feet of our sorry school systems, as well the lead in our water.

Here in central Pennsyltucky, the Hippies seem to believe that since there are trees here, this has to be a public land, and therefore, I must be the bumbling park ranger looking for stolen pic-a-nick baskets, Boo-Boo.

Honestly, when have they ever seen evil mind control beam machines, a bloated ‘backy chewing, semi nekkid park rangers and illegal distilleries in a state park? This isn’t Norway, you know.

In any event, is imperative to get Hippies away from your land as soon as you see them. They breed like flies and their camps attract other vermin like clowns. As a public service, I have decided to reveal a list of helpful tips, to keep your land free from infestation.

  • You can smell a Hippy long before he can see you. Train your hounds to run them up a tree. You may then shoot rock salt loads at them at a leisurely pace.

  • Let them know that they have purty mouths.

  • Tell them that it’s “hound bathin” day, and by gawd they’re getting in the barrel too. Brandish a nasty looking used toilet brush…

  • Wear a wife beater tee-shirt emblazoned with the slogan “My daddy went to Kent State and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And four ears on this here necklace.”

  • Or one that says “They can have my guns when they pry them out from your cold, dead arse.”

  • Hold the shotgun in your shooting hand, the liquor bottle and corn cob pipe in your other. Gesticulate wildly with all.

  • Go pants-less, and keep a bleating sheep tied up nearby. Even hippies can do that math.

  • Point to a non-existent “No Trespassing!” sign and ask them “Caint you read?” While their backs are turned to look at the "sign", discharge your firearm over their heads. When they spin back around, say “Ooops!” and giggle disturbingly .

  • Have tape recordings of your giggling play back from different parts of your property, so that the hippy thinks you’ve got Uncle Dad with you.

If all this fails, throw some pot seeds on State Prison lands. Let the hippies know, and then alert the authorities. It'll keep both groups from bothering you, leaving you to survey your domain in all your pants-less glory.

UPDATE! Hungbunny suggests that if you really want to get rid of the hippies, offer them a job. God, it's so simple and elegant....

And that's the way I likes it.