07 September 2005

More Nigerian 419 Scam mail

Well, it's a busy week, so I'm trotting out some older 419 scam response letters. If any of you Dear Readers get any interesting scam letters, please forward them my way. I enjoy responding to them.

Dear Friend,
I am Lagutin Yuriy and I represent Mr. Mikhail Khordokovsky the former C.E.O of Yukos Oil Company in Russia. I have a very sensitive and confidential brief from this top (Oligarch) to ask for your partnership in re-profiling funds over US$450 million. I will give the details, but in summary, the funds are coming via Bank Menatep.
This is a legitimate transaction. You will be paid 4% for your "Management Fees".Write back by email and provide me with your confidential telephone number, fax number and email address and I will provide further details and instructions. Please keep this confidential; we can’t afford more political problems. Finally, please note that this must be concluded within two weeks. Please write back promptly.
Write me back. I look forward to it.
Lagutin Yuriy.

I was thinking of answering as “Joe McCarthy, Communist” but then I thought, “Who better to rescue Mr. Khordokovsky from the clutches of the sinister Vladimir Putin than the A-TEAM!

Dear Lagutin,

Boy, have you ever made the right decision by contacting us, the A-Team! I’ve heard about the unjust imprisonment of your boss, Mr. Khordokovsky, and believe me, we sympathize. You see, at the end of the Viet Nam war, we were also framed for a crime we didn’t commit and sent to a military prison. We busted out, and now my associates (Col. John "Hannibal" Smith, Lt. Templeton "Faceman" Peck, Sgt. "B.A." Baracus) and myself travel the world, righting wrongs for modest rewards; always staying one step ahead of the vindictive JAG authorities.

Just a little bit about ourselves; Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith is a master of disguises. B.A. Baracas is a mechanical genius, and Templeton "Face Man" Peck, is so good looking that he can charm anyone into giving them what they need, although now he’s getting a little long in the tooth. Myself, I can fly anything, and with BA’s help, can manufacture any needed tool, chemical or explosive. In fact, we do a far better job of this than that smug bastard McGyver, despite his claims to the contrary. (Sheesh, you can’t believe a word he says, he’s a frigging NeoNazi, for God’s sake! Or at least Canadian. Well, he plays hockey; and that’s just creepy.)

Anyway, I feel that we are just the people to spring Mr. Khordokovsky, and crack the bank in which his funds are being kept unlawfully, (and do so to a catchy theme song). Also, I can’t lie, we are getting old, and 4% of $450 million would make a nice retirement fund.

Along this line (and I’m embarrassed to bring it up), but I am no longer spry enough to be able to use the old step ladder to leave my, um, accommodations. I did see a fine new folding ladder that is long enough to do the trick (advertised on late night TV), and I was wondering if you would be kind enough to front me $100 so that I can go ahead and order it. In fact, if you would like my old step ladder as a memento, I would be happy to sell it to you for an additional $50.

Please contact me soon.

Best regards,

Capt. H.M. Murdock
Capt. T.P. Dromedary memorial VA Hospital, Room #316
1500 Colostomy Blvd.
Dribble Falls, PA 16801 (USA)

No reply..... But I did get this little gem:

I am Barrister kamal Huruna (Esq), the Personal Attorney to a Foreign Contractor,who worked with a Multi-National Oil Firm in Nigeria. On the 22nd of may 2001, my client,AN AMERICA National, late Engineer R.Worley an oil Merchant Contractor with the Federal Government of Nigeria,died in a ghastly motor accident with his wife and three kids along sagamu express way All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then
I have made several inquiries to Several Embassies to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of his family but of no avail. Then I have to contact you to assist me in repatriating the money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge deposits were lodged.Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about US$20 Million has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin,relatives so that the fund left will be transferred orhave the account confiscated within the next twenty official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 3 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$20Million can be paid to you and then you and I can share this money. 60 to me and 35% to you,while 5% should be for expenses or tax as your Government may require.
All I require is your honest and co-operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I will want you to send to me on your return email the following information for the transfer in your favour
1, Your full Name2, Your contact Address3, Your private phone/Fax
I await your kind response,Please reply to my private email

Well, I'd better not make it too easy on him, or come across as a nutcase. So...

Pleasant Morrow upon thee, Brother Barrister.

I am saddened, yet not unduly surprised at the demise of the Worley family at the demonic hands of a petroleum burning conveyance. As thou may not realize, any automata built from technology developed post 1780 are inspired by Infernal forces, and thus must be considered unclean. This simple truth has been passed down to those of us in the Amish faith, while ye heathen insist on imperiling thy immortal souls by riding within. Repent!

Thou mentioned that in a bank thou hast huge deposits, and I can but sympathize. My Clydesdales also make huge deposits, often along the banks of our stream. It is a heavy burden for my wife to remove.

We may well be next of kin of the poor family, for within our family tree there are many Kepharts; an name that sometimes is mispronounced by outsiders as “Worley”. (Although I feel that it is very unlikely that any of my relatives begat but three children).

In any road, I am happy to help thee in thy Godly task, but I have not a bank account, as the elders of my faith have proclaimed them to be tools of the devil. Instead, we bury our spare cash under the flagstones of our root cellars. As I judge thee to be a Godly man, I would be happy to deposit your monies along side mine in God’s good Earth.

Please correspond to me only within hours of the late eve, after prayers, as this is the only that I may hitch my team to the power shaft of the Babbige Difference Engine Computator. It is only at this time that we may receive mails through the Aether.

I should encourage you to purchase one of these blessed contraptions. My brother Effriam is a clever cabinet maker, and can build one for thee, (with the help of Elias Slocum, our water-clock builder) for only $500.

Please let me know where I may pick up thy cash. Is Nigeria somewhere within Lancaster County? I shall have to stay with relatives overnight if it is too much farther afoot.

Ephriam Weaver

Again, no reply. How am I supposed to scam these people, if ther refuse to write back? Bastards!

And that's the way I likes it.