04 October 2005

Ample Sample

I call into my GP and request a phone-in prescription for an anti-protozoan drug.

“No can do.” Comes the reply. “We need a stool sample.”

“You’re thirty f$%&ing minutes away!” I shout back. “I’ll be giving you the sample from my car seat!”

The bastards do not budge, so I drive in. When I get there, the place is buttoned up. “Out to lunch” the sign says. I call the Doc’s mobile.

“Hello. Where would you like your sample? Through the mail slot, perhaps?”

They demure. Apparently they are at a medicinal to-do at one of the fancier restaurants in town. I can, they suggest, bring the sample there.

“I’m not bringing a sample into a restaurant; besides, I haven’t a sample vial with me. I understood that my healthcare provider would supply them.”

“Zip-lock baggies.” Is the reply. I am to tuck one discretely under the wiper of Doc’s Mercedes 500CL. So I gamely drive on; buy a box of baggies and pull into the restaurant parking lot. Of course, this being a gathering of doctors, there are 8 freaking 500SL’s in the parking lot.

Sod it. I am not walking into a restaurant with a merry “Hey, hoo! This bag of shite is for Dr. Yu!”

I’ve got enough baggies for all eight Mercedes. A quick trip behind the dumpster, I do the deed and tuck the bags under the wiper blades.

I get home, (none too soon,) and shortly the phone rings; I have my prescription.

“You did the parasitological screening that fast?” I ask.

“No, all four of us got your quart baggies, so I figured you did, in fact, have a genuine need.”

“Um, only four? Who did the other Mercedes belong to?” I start to sweat.

“Oh, a group of lawyers I think.” She replied. “Why?”


I stand mute, listening to the first drops of rain patter against the window panes.


And that's the way I likes it.