04 November 2005

How many lawyers does it take to....

Now, some might think that a Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy, but in my line of work, they are a necessity.

A few years back, I’d accidentally disintegrated the vault wall of a local bank. I volunteered to pay for the damages, but due to a strange twist of fate, the amount of cash I had on me was identical to what the bank claimed was lost. Criminal charges were brought against me.

No worries, I thought. I’d just call up my lawyer. Unfortunately, he did a lot of contingency work for the mob, claiming half of the settlement. When his client got two shotgun barrels to his head, he got one. I needed a new lawyer.

I ended up with a short, disheveled fellow who I’ll refer to as “Frank” in the interest of maintaining my belongings.

I had some misgivings about him, but he reassured me.

“With all your money” He said, winking. “You are not going to prison!”

The trial was presided over by; and I am not making this up, one Judge Hanger. Frank’s strategy was sopophoric. He’d repeat the same points, over and over, changing the words slightly each time. “Juries are stupid.” He assured me. “You have to make the statement 7-10 times before it sinks in.”

The judge grew tired of Frank’s repetitious arguments, and made some rulings to speed things up. Frank bristled at the judge's orders, and tempers grew hot. I tried to hurry him along, but he just shushed me. “I know what I’m doing.” He said.

Finally, frustrated with another rendition of arguments we had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied Frank, "That goes without saying. What is in there to prevent it?"

“Eeep!” I said, whilst trying to slide underneath the defense table while Frank and the Right Honorable Judge Hanger exchanged glares. At least the jury was enjoying the show.

After weeks of this, Frank finally gave his closing arguments. “I’ve got em right where I want em!” He assured me. The jury shuffled out of the court.

While the jury deliberated, Frank scrabbled furiously through a pile of documents. The jury returned after a scant half hour. Inevitably, the verdict was entered against me. Frank leapt to his feet, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

Judge Hanger asked, "What new evidence could you possibly have?"

"My client has an extra $100,000 in assets, and I just found out about it!"

I struggled with the bailiffs, anxious to get my hands on Frank. “You’re a bastard!” I yelled . “You’re a thief! You’ve strung me along for weeks just to pad your fee!”

”That’s gratitude,” Replied frank, looking very offended.. “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”

“You lying asshat! You promised you’d keep me out of prison!” I screamed.

“Doctor Scientist,” He replied frostily. “I simply remarked that you would not go to prison with all your money.”

One day, there’ll be bloody paybacks; mark my words, but he’s earned my grudging respect. The man is pure eeevil!.

And that's the way I likes it.