14 November 2005

The Lemming Peril

Now, you all know that lemmings don’t really commit suicide, that’s just a myth, put forward by those masters of intrigue and mayhem, the Norwegians, in order to cover up the real story.

The Norwegians are training their lemmings to swim out the North Sea oil platforms and seize control of that sweet, sweet Brent crude.

Well, I am not standing for it. Lemmings have no natural enemies, except for the mallet and cider press, but domestic cats have been holding down the populations in recent centuries. Therefore, in the interest of keeping the North Sea British and the fact that one of the little bastards had peed on the comforter, I decided to do my duty and train my cats in naval special-ops.

First stop, the pool. I had to get them over their natural aversion to water. This was accomplished by an underhand lobbing technique, rather like a slow softball pitch. Once in the water, they were surprisingly adept at swimming and would paddle their way to the opposite side of the pool, there I would help them out and we'd work on their diving technique.

After all, the gentle underarm lob was not sufficient to dislodge the yowling cats from my arms; I had to use a googly.

After a dozen or so laps and the loss of a pint of blood, I was satisfied with both their swimming and fighting skills. If they were prepared to eat a chunk of my skull, just think of what they’d do to an amphibious lemming assault group.

Are you Norwegians listening? Good.

Oh, and would anyone like to buy a comforter?

(No, I didn't actually throw them into a pool, but they did get flea baths, and the effect on my epidermis and skull were identical) .

And that's the way I likes it.