08 November 2005

Male call

Autumn is here, heralding an end to the yard work. The storm windows are up, the leaves have been raked, and a few good hard frosts have killed off the last of the hippies, so I could gather up their lifeless husks and throw them onto the burn pile. They burn well when dried and the pungent smoke is a great repellent.

Yes, I know they are perennials and will be back to infest my marijuana garden in the spring, but nothing short of irradiating the earth will kill hippy seeds. I’ll just have to be content with whacking them with hoes when they sprout. That doesn’t sound quite right, but you know what I mean.

Since I now have plenty of time on the weekends to nap and watch football, this frees up my weekdays considerably. I can now play so-du-ko online and answer six months of backed-up hate mail. So here goes.

Jimmy Platelet, ostensibly of Mrs. Grendel’s third grade class writes:

Deer Doc Evil,

How come you nevar rite aboat yor plans to rule the world?

Jimmy P.

Nice try, Mr. Bond. Piss off.

The law offices of Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe, LLC, write:

Dr. E. Scientist,

This letter is to inform you that we are bringing civil suit against you regarding the incident if 18 August 2004, in which you sprayed hormones mimicking elephant estrus on the seats of Barnum and Baileys clown pants. Barnum and Bailey is looking for $2.5M in damages to cover the corrective surgery, and the care for resulting baby clowephants.

Everett Cheatham.

My dearest Mr. Cheatham.

I weren’t me, it were Mr. Arlington Copley Hynes. Sue him. He’s from Boston, and thus has lots of money.

Yours in poverty,

Brian Buckler of Omaha, Nebraska wishes to remain anonymous, but did a poor job of masking his IP address. He writes:

Dear Evil;

May I call you Evil? Anyway, I notice that you are frequently writing about women. How do you get all these women since you are a fat, balding nerd? Are you lying?


Dear Brian.

No, you may not call me Evil. And I am not lying. Blogospherical etiquette does not permit falsehood, except in blogs run by politicians and policemen. Oh, and judges too; they are the worst.

What you see here is what you get. I am surrounded by women who are eiter A) Attracted to my massive brain power, B) Trying to collect child support, or C) Have just succumbed to the pheromones that I use daily.

If you would like a sample bottle, I have a new formulation, inspired by the Finest French perfume, called “Cocquèroachés”. Send me $100, and I guaranty you’ll be surrounded by females!

Dr. Evil Scientist, phD.

Well, that’s all I have time for today. Got to grease the wheels of commerce you know, download porn, torment investors...

Besides, it's beer o'clock.

And that's the way I likes it.