27 December 2005

Random pills, random thoughts

“Do my thighs look fat?”

This statement should invoke a cautious response along the lines of the warning “Achtung, Minen!” but for some reason, I keep missing the danger signs.

“No, honey, it’s your thighs’ termini that are largish.” In my defense, I like this feature, but the judge would not accept the explanation. Nor would she accept temporary insanity. I am temporarily evicted.

Well, it was too cold to stand around outside, so I took a handful of festively colored, unidentified pills and went to work.

Baaaaaad mistake!

I mean the going to work bit. Turns out we are having our regularly scheduled random insurance inspection and Irish Bob, who usually handles these sorts of things, called in sick. He wasn’t sick last night a four in the morning when he was yodeling outside of my window, but come to think of it the shot shell loaded with rock salt may have left him feeling a bit under the weather.

It turns out that the inspector was an affable fellow, but it is a bit hard to concentrate when circus poster writing is scrolling across his note pad. He took my attempt to read the script as interest in the inspection results.

“You really shouldn’t be smoking a cigar in a room full of open diethyl ether cans.” He explained. “You see, if there’s one thing I learned when I was a fireman, oh excuse me, fire-fighter; one can’t say ‘fireman’ any more; it’s that…” He continued for a few minutes, but I wasn’t listening. I was stunned by his brilliance.

Quite frankly, I’m sick of having to come up with a PC version of policeman, mailman, milkman, et al., Removing the "man" and adding “fighter” to the end sorts the PC thingy, and makes it sound all dangerous so you can pay them less.

Well, maybe not the “policefighters”. After all, we already have yobbos, but for the others, let’s face it, the mail looks like it has been assaulted when I get it, and if my lactose intolerant spouse is not fighting with milk, then I am not sure from where all of those pungent chemical weapons are emanating.

Although, I suspect from somewhere within her large thigh termini.

And that's the way I likes it.