30 December 2005

To Slip, Perchance to Dream

“C’mon, Evil. Let’s go skiing” Irish Bob was itching for some slithery derring-do.

I was reluctant as I usually encounter rocks and the occasional illegally parked tree when I try to ski. I believe I may be the only person in the history of mankind to break an arm and a leg cross country skiing.

Long skinny skis are just the thing for going down an steep icy slope at exhilarating speeds; but they’re not so grand for turning. I did not get my deposit back when I returned the kindling to the ski rental counter.

I decided to politely decline.

“Piss off, you goat-bothering weasel.” I snarled. “We have work to do, and this is only my third game of Sudoku.”

“C’mon, Evil, the boss is away! Why not practice the skills of your ancestors?”

“My people were Irish, you wouldn’t have exactly seen them skiing down the fjords, bristling with harpoons and mukluks to hunt the mighty lemming.” I replied. “My ancestors preferred feats of endurance and dexterity, such as timed bar stool verticality.”

Truth be told, I’m not very good at it, but I do try. In fact I was practicing before Bob so rudely interrupted me.

“I’ve got whiiiiiskey!” Bob wheedled.

Damn my weakness. Honestly, it’s a good thing I’m not a super-villain.

So, up to the slopes we went. Although I hadn’t skied for years, I was amazed at how much I remembered. Like riding a bike, I suppose. I dashed down the mountain slope again and again. Finally, with the urging of John Jameson and Sons, (Ltd.) I decided to try a jump.

I pegged the jump, but the landing was a bit dicey. Bob skied over, freed my head from the bole of a fir and asked how many fingers he was holding up.


“Eh, Close enough.” He gathered up the kindling and we returned to the rental counter. Bob was effusive with praise.

“Evil, you were great!” He gushed. “Although, next time we’ll get you off the bunny slopes, eh?”

“Sod it, Bob.” I replied. “I’m training for the 100 hour barstool verticalness.”

Feed a fever, serve drinks to a concussion, after all.

And that's the way I likes it.