24 December 2005

Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring; thank God not my spouse.
Head pounding so badly, not a word was a-spoken,
(my wife was with family in darkest Hoboken).

Empty bottles confirmed my most horrible fear;
A case of tequila was consumed, last night, here.
Net stockings were draped on a lamp without care;
an unconscious prostitute sprawled on my chair.

The details, once fuzzy, came more and more clear,
Just about noon we had forsaken beer.
Then said Bob (the Cirrhotic, faux-Irish Pixie),
”Let’s go to a strip club; I’m buying the whiskey!”

"Lap Dasher! Pole Dancer!” My groin, how it tingles!
(by five I had spent several hundred in singles)
The DJ then played something that Bob quite detested.
Shot glasses were flung; he got us arrested

It turned out not badly, the whole arrest thing,
in our cell was a ho from the latest vice sting.
"Now, Honey" said Bob, “This shouldn’t be hard”
"We’ll pay for your bail with our corporate card!"

But the hooker exclaimed she had nowhere to go.
"It’s freezing out there, and it’s blowing with snow!”
"We’ll head on to Evil’s, promise we won’t feel ya”,
"We’ll drink all of Evil’s expensive tequila!"

So I wasn’t unfaithful, as it turned after all,
and I spent the night passed out in the entry hall.
As for Bob, after puking all over my deck,
he and Honey both turned my house to a wreck.

Then the phone rang and with it my spirit was broken,

my wife was returning early from Hoboken.
So I scurried and scrubbed, on my hands and my knees,
even spritzed up the hooker with squirts of Fabreeze™!

In a thrice I had poured the drunk whore in a cab,
and gave her a hundred, so she wouldn’t blab.
But I heard her exclaim, with expression most dour,
"You owe me two grand, Bub, I charge by the hour!"

And that's the way I likes it.