06 January 2006

Book him, Danno.

I didn’t think too much of it at first, after all, I get hits from all sorts of eeeevil places; Mary-Kaye Cosmetics, Halliburton and yes, sometimes even from the dizzying pinnacle of Evil itself, Norway.*

So I really didn’t think much about it when I started getting hits from Random House in Manhattan. Just another bloke on work-avoidance mode, thinks I, on the few moments when I was sober enough.

Then I got an e-mail.

”I’ve been reading your site with some interest recently, and am prepared to offer a book deal…” It says.

Pull the other one, mate. It has bells on.

But it is from Random House Publishing. I must admit I was intrigued and wrote back:

“Well, what are we talking about here, money wise?”

It’s okay to be this blunt with publishers. They’re used to dealing with writers and English Lit majors; rich money grubbers to the last woman and man, else they would not be in the business.

"It will be somewhere between fifteen and twenty a month…" He replied.

Hmmm, I’d be a house contract writer! I could do this, you know. I’d make enough lolly to be able to afford a much larger extinct volcano for the back yard and then Bond shall be well and truly screwed. Bwahahahahahahaha!

“All right, I’m in!” I wrote. “Let’s get down to brass tacks. What exactly is the deal?”

“Great!” He says. “You get four books free, and then we send you one a month. You only have to buy one more in the next year.”

Oh, yuk it up, laughing boy. Next time I’m in Manhattan, I’m going to piss in your beer.

*Norway is not in fact evil per se, but it is infested with Lemmings. Dear God, how I fear them. If you lot were smart, you would too.

And that's the way I likes it.