11 January 2006


“Looooving me, is easy ‘cause I’m beautifu-u-ul,
Do un-do un-do ah- diooooo
<near ultrasonic shriek> AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH! </near ultrasonic shriek>”

Off key, of course, and rather loud.

Irish Bob has an ear for music like Godzilla has an eye for Japanese architecture.*

But that was not why he was butchering the Captain and Tennille (an appealing thought, come to think of it). We were serenading the Human Resources director.

You see, it all started Monday, when we were summoned into the CEO’s office.

He was twitching.

“Gentlemen” He says. “We have important visitors for the next few days. Visitors that may buy us. Since you two will be interacting with them a good deal, I need you to be on your best behavior.”

I gave him a look of confused innocence. After all, we always behave in a sober and professional manner. The boss deflated some more.

“Guys, please! No exploding toilets; no electrified chairs. Get rid of the liquor bottles and Evil...”

Yeees?” I wasn’t sure if I was going to like this bit.

“Take your inflatable sheep home.”

“Listen” He added quickly before I could protest. “If they buy us, you’ll at least have jobs. Sure, your salaries will be frozen at their current levels for the first year, but, blah, blah blah blah blah…”

Frozen salaries? But we both had plans for more money. I swear that Bob and I had the same thought: Get to the HR director’s records. We caught each other’s eyes and nodded.

We think alike to the point that sometimes I believe he is my long lost twin.

A long lost retarded twin, to be sure; but a psychic link none-the-less.

So, we showed up the next day in our suits, immaculately groomed. Bob took the first turn with our visitors; I carried a stack of papers past the HR office.

”The dream police they’re coming to duress me, oh no!” I sang. I could see the HR director cringe. He hates it when people get lyrics wrong; in fact he’s been banned from many a karaoke lounge.

Soon it was my turn with our guests. I took them through manufacturing whilst Bob belted out “When I think about you I touch an elf”. We tag-teamed HR all day.

About quitting time, he was livid. He cornered us.

“Dammit: ‘Loving you is easy ‘cause you're beautiful’, ‘When I think about you I touch myself’ and ‘The dream police are coming to arrest me’!” He sputtered, then spun on his heel and stormed away.

“What the Hell was that all about?” Asked our VIP.

“Oh, that’s our HR director. A bit high strung, but we admire his brave, yet futile struggle against the ravages of schizophrenia and substance abuse.” I replied in a sad tone.

“He’s also the Boss’ nephew!” Added Bob helpfully.

Or visitor just shook his head. “We can’t have a mad man running about. He could be violent.”

“Well, he did blow up a commode once…”

The VIP turned to me. “Evil, you’re the Director of Engineering. You know all the staff. Could you take over Human Resources until we get a new director?”

“Hmmm. It’s a lot of extra work, but for the good of the company … Sure.”

UPDATE! "You never close your eyes, anymore when you kiss my hips"

*Thank you, whomever I stole this simile from.

And that's the way I likes it.