09 January 2006

Scientific Progress Rolls On!

I have come to terms with the fact that I am unlikely to ever win a Nobel Prize. I’m simply not the type of scientist that makes a single profound discovery; rather one that makes a series of lesser findings for the benefit of mankind. Unfortunately, the Nobel committee doesn’t have a "most prolific", or "He has pictures of us, erm enjoying the company of animals" category.

Too bad, really. I could use the money to pay off my bail bondsman.

So I’ve decided to write about my latest work to give them a wee prod. Not Earth shaking, mind, but all clearly boons to humankind. Here’s a list of last week’s discoveries.

1) If you wish to maintain the monochromatic character of your rump, never turn your back on a child with an electric paint sprayer (the paint will go right through jeans and inject itself into the skin. The effect is permanent, and … startling.)

2) Alcohol and power tools don’t mix. Sorry, Brad. After the pain goes away, you’ll be able to appreciate the ironic fact that the tool is known as a “Brad Nailer”. In the mean time, drive a car with an automatic transmission, and restrict your onanistic activities to the hand without the protruding steel spike.

3) When the policeman asks you “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Do not answer “Because I’m cute and you’re lonely?”

4) The boss probably doesn't want to hear your rendition of "When I think about you I touch myself" when he is showing the facilities to potential buyers.

5) Diving onto the bed whilst bellowing “WONDER QUIM POWERS ACTIVATE!" is not considered foreplay by most women.

6) Muttering “Form of a bitch!” in a surly tone after being evicted to the couch for said faux-pas, is a really bad idea.

Well, there you have it. Pure genius the lot, that really ought to be rewarded with a fancy meal, gold medal and hefty cash award. Call your members of Parliament, Congress critters, Politburo members, Slathering Despot or what have you, and rail against this injustice!

Oh, yes. Does anyone have a spare room to let? It gets damnably cold sleeping out here on the porch.

And that's the way I likes it.