16 March 2006

Blow me if I wasn’t right after all.

And lucky for TelCo management, I was.

Our T-1, the telephonic/data backbone of our office; our lifeline to such essential business tools as Sudoku and Word Whomp; our gateway to the magical realms of Jell-O porn (“There’s always womb for Jell-O™!”) was been mostly down for the last month.

This makes it very difficult to sell the company, or more importantly, blog from work. This has been exacerbated by the fact that I’ve had to chaperone two accountants that are entirely too competent for my comfort. More on them later.

So, as I was saying, we have this intermittent outage of all our telephony. I called our T-1 provider on the 16th of February. They promised that they will test the lines immediately. I pointed out that since the lines are currently up, their tests may not be as fruitful as they think. “No problem!” They reply. It turns out that their testing will shut down our lines. Sorted!

Erm, not really. I call them again.

And again.

And a few times after that.

Finally, I find one tech that has a demonstrable IQ. He is not an eggplant like the rest of the TelCo employees, and he quickly determines that the problem is between the Verizon Smart jack, and TelCo's internal equipment in our facility. A technician shall be dispatched to us, forthwith, who is also not an eggplant.

Now I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I’m a vegist, or anything like that. After all, some of my best friends are Vegetable-Americans. But let’s face it; eggplants are rather stupid. I eagerly await the non-eggplantish tech.

It turns out to be an eggplant after all. He replaces some of the equipment and promises to come back for the rest of it. Sadly, he must have been jumped by a celebrity chef and ended up babba-ghanoushed, for he never returns.

Days pass. The Eggplants determine that it must be their cabling that is at fault. I wonder aloud if they might come out and replace it.

The concept has not occurred to them. After mulling it over, they think that, yes, replacing cable might just solve the problem of the faulty cable.

Huzzah! We are getting somewhere!

Then I get a call from their manager. I shall not use his real name, for I have no desire to be sued. Besides I have always enjoyed the act of Rogering. For the balance of this narrative, he shall be known as “Mr. Bugger Mansfield” as I trust I would enjoy Buggering substantially less than Rogering. Anyhoo, Bugger intimates that their line is no longer their problem, but Verizon’s. Verizon shall be dispatched to fix it.

There is a problem with this. Verizon has responsibility up to the Smart Jack. TelCo owns the lines up to their equipment. Our responsibility is on the other side of TelCo's equipment. Verizon politely demurs resposibility and states that Mr. Bugger Mansfield must be an eggplant, or worse. I cannot disagree. I call Mr. Bugger back and he now states it’s our problem as his techs used an old existing line when they installed the T-1.

“Would that be the old line with the exposed crimp splices that are under the leaky gutters?” I ask.

“Yes. That line was pre-existing, so it’s your problem.” Bugger replies.

“If that line were not there during installation what would you have done?” I ask.

“Well, obviously we’d have put a new one in.” He answers in a tone that indicates he thinks I’m dimmer than an Irish setter.

“And, considering the installation was free, how much would that have cost us?”

“Well, nothing.”

“So, you’re penalizing us for the fact that your install techs did a shoddy job.”

“Yes.” He says. “That’s company policy.”

Three cheers and a tiger for globalization! We’ll be running the world in no time with companies like these!

Well, as long as we can get a dial-tone, that is.


Roger has had a change of heart and has his techs out here in force to solve the problem. It shan't cost us a penny, either. Apparently,my bitching, moaning and whinging hit a nerve and rather than having to keep listening to me, they decided to replace the entire cabling.

See? Being an annoying whingy bastard hath its benefits.

And that's the way I likes it.