02 March 2006

Unblocking Chakras

I lie, face down upon the massage table, awaiting treatment for a painful condition known in the medical community as “marriage”. It turns out that I am a pain in the butt.

I have been dropped off at the ex-Russian sports massage therapist, Olga Steroidovski, who has been given instructions to “hurt me” with a deep tissue massage.

“Brrrr, it’s cold in here!” I announce, in an attempt to forestall the inevitable Russian Vs. Irish member comparison. Honestly, Olga’s ancestors wore leggings, whereas mine wore kilts. Of course Mr. Happy will spend most of his time cowering in a turtleneck in such breezy conditions.

“SZILENCZE!” Olga demands, and believe me, what Olga demands, Olga gets. She begins the flab kneading, gouging and poking process, grunting with exertion.

“Your chakras are blocked!” She eventually announces with Slavic disdain.

“Do I need to call a plumber?” I ask.

I am given a quick course in Chakras.

Apparently, the first chakra; also called "the root chakra" is located near the base of the spine. It is linked to survival instincts and our ability to ground ourselves in the physical world. Blockage manifests as paranoia, defensiveness.

Despite my obvious paranoia, I can assure you that there is no blockage of any orifice located near the base of my spine.

In fact, I am rather mortified to admit that I demonstrated that after one particularly vigorous jab.

While covered with bruises, I must say that I am remarkably relaxed. I heartily recommend the process to everyone. Just do yourself a favour; don’t eat Mexican before the session.

And that's the way I likes it.