23 May 2006

The Dicks of Centre County

Just the good ol' boys,
Never meanin' no harm,
Beats all you've ever saw,
been in trouble with the law since the day they was born.

Straight'nin' the curve,
Flat'nin' the hills.
Someday the moutain might get 'em, but the law never will.

Makin' their way,
The only way they know how,
That's just a little bit more than the law will allow.



These morons honk their horn every time they drive by my house, even at 4 in the morning.

I suppose I’m partially to blame. They have one of those Chinese knock-off horns that almost plays the first three bars of “Dixie”; the last two notes are flat.

Seeing that I was drinking beer when I first heard their new truck accessory, I let out a hearty rebel yell and called them idiots. Apparently, they didn’t catch the last bit and now think that I approve of their Confederate Chinese noise maker. (“The South shall lise again!”) They play it for me every time they drive by my house.

I wouldn’t mind it if their thickness was due to genetics, blunt force trauma, lead paint or fetal alcohol exposure, but these gits have nothing medically wrong with them. They are stupid by choice.

I am not alone in this opinion. Their Uncle, at whose feed store they “worked”, could only trust them with the simplest and menial of tasks. He had them moving pallets of manure from one end of the yard to the other in a never ending chicken poo ballet.

This, he hoped, would minimize their exposure to his customers. Sadly, it only resulted in a senseless accident involving a forklift, an elderly lady’s occupied Buick and an impressive quantity of pungent chicken byproduct.

Since the legal settlement, he has expressed his earnest desire that God call them home before they get a change to procreate or cause another horrific accident like accidentally voting.

The boys, on the other hand, took it all in stride and used their severance package to buy some new truck accessories; spurning much needed body putty and new muffler for a Chinese novelty horn.

Like I said: Fuckwidgets.

And that's the way I likes it.