19 July 2006

All You Really Need to Know About Sports: Part I

People are frequently amazed that with such a prodigious girth, I could be such a talented athlete. This is due to that fact that most people are stupid enough to believe my lies.

“You bowled a perfect 300? Really?” To which I nod modestly whilst sipping their beer.

Idiots? Yes. But they fill an important niche in the food chain. I’d go thirsty if not for them.

Truth be told, I recently golfed a perfect 300 and my last bowling score would make Tiger Woods green with envy had he scored it on the front nine of St. Andrews.

While it’s true that I seldom exercise and that I’m naturally clumsy, my real problem is that the games are too damn similar, and I get them confused.

I know that golf was invented by the Scots (after all, it’s “FLOG” spelled backwards) and whatever governmental regulatory body that gave the go-ahead to this sport must have been mad. I mean, really! Any dolt that gave a load of whisky sodden Celts a license to whack about with clubs must really be fond of cranial trauma with a side order of the sound stylings of castrati with impenetrable Glaswegian accents (think Robbie Coltrane as a member of “Alvin and the Chipmunks”).

And don’t get me started on bowling… a game involving ten pins and balls? That sounds like an acupuncture session with the Marquis de Sade.

The similarities go further. Both sports require one to wear ugly polyester shirts and rent special multi-coloured clown footwear that smell as if they until very recently lovingly cradled the decomposing feet of a large, sweating hillbilly.

Or, at least they do now.

Throw in some cigars and a vast quantity of recreational fermented malt beverages, and the games are virtually indistinguishable. Above all, good sportsmanship is required for both sports.
Always replace any divots that you tear up from the bowling lanes and don’t forget to yell “Fore!” before hurling your 16 pounder at a foursome that is playing too slow.

Tomorrow in Part II: “How to actually have fun on a golf course” and “Futbol vs. Football” (Or “Why must the rest of the world insist on using their feet?”)

And that's the way I likes it.