20 July 2006

All You Really Need to Know About Sports, Part II

Golf is dangerous, at least to cows. Golf courses are full of holes that are just the right size for a cow to step in and break their leg. Then it’s “BLAM”! and off to the grille for Bossie. So you’d think the local courses would be thrill when I filled in all the holes for them; shielding them from cattlitigation, but nooooo….

The golf course owners exhibited the same level of bovinical ignorance as the amazed journalists that penned this oh, so newsworthy
article (Money Quote: “The bulls are charmed with a teaser animal — usually a steer —” Yeesh! First they lose their nads, then they are subjected to prison romance!)

However, the golf course owners did claim that a) they require the holes as an income source and b) that they generally take pains to keep the herds safely off the greens.

So, to demonstrate my magninamity I spent the next night cutting holes for them; a total of 944 to be exact. Since they were charging $50 for a round of 18 holes, they should have been able to clear $2500 a round easy, but once again they just pissed and moaned.

There’s no pleasing some people.

Futbol, then? At least you Brits can’t complain that Benjamin Franklin mucked up the spelling of that word. Nope; that was the Spanish. We still spell it “football” even though: 1) Only two people on each team actually kick the ball, and 2) Both of them are pansies. (One should note that I do not say this to kicker’s faces because I am too much of a gentleman, and also a great coward.)

Now, what everyone else on the planet thinks of when they hear the word “football” is an entirely different thing. Our football is an engaging activity where three hundred pound plus prospective supermax inmates chase an oblate-spheroid about with the twin goals of removing spleens from the other team’s players and then eating them. Futbol, on the other hand, is a game were the players chase a uniform ball that goes predictably were it is kicked and there is very little in the way of cannibalistic entertainment. Boooooring!

Our football is a game of yards and inches, whereas futbol is a game of meters. I ask you, did Lord Horatio Hornblower fall in the battle of Trafalgar square in 1492 so that John Bull would be forced to multiply by 2.54 then divide by 36 to decipher some mad continental notion of distance, without the pleasant diversion of Johnny Crapaud noshing on some Italian’s innards? No Sir, he did not!

A head butt is simply not an acceptable substitute, and were I a stout hearted Briton, I should be sorely offended.

Besides, I’m an Everton fan. What the hell sort of inducement is that to watch futbol?

And that's the way I likes it.