21 July 2006

Knife crime getting worse in UK

Scream the headlines. It sounds as if one can’t even leave the house any more without a kukri wielding yobbo tearing out one’s gizzard. This simply does not happen very often here in Yankee land.

These days, we don’t have a much of a problem with knife or gun crime in the US. This is not because we are less violent, and we are certainly not more inclined to pay attention to the law; it’s simply that if some villain were to commit a robbery, a nearby pensioner is likely to open up a can of whoop-ass apple sauce on him.

Case in point:

customer at a city grocery tackled an armed robber and beat him with a can of applesauce when he refused to drop his gun, police said. "

It gets better:

"The suspect shot himself in the head during the struggle, and passed out after the 66-year-old customer administered four blows to the head with the Mott's applesauce"

"…Customer Thomas Santana, who is 5-foot-4, grabbed the 6-foot-1 (23 year old) gunman from behind when he was on the freezer, and with help from Gomez knocked him down."

I’m sure you Rambo types would like to know which caliber of apples sauce the diminutive Mr. Santana used. I’m guessing it was the 48oz Chuky style; it has more stopping power.

When applesauce is illegal only criminals will have applesauce,
Or: You can have my applesauce when you pry it out of my cold, dead, hands.

And that's the way I likes it.