02 August 2006


A close friend recently announced that he had coined a new term. “dBaying!” He announced proudly. It is drunken eBaying; a practice that is applauded by eBay, if not his wife.

After his third or fifth White Russian of the evening (actually, considering the percentage of vodka, Translucent Russian is a more appropriate moniker) it occurs to him that a Guinness sign/Kegerator/Popcorn Cart/Weatherby elephant gun would be the perfect present for his wife, despite the fact that she seldom drinks, abhors popcorn and rarely hunts elephants, as they live in Alaska. For me, he bought a very nice commemorative dive knife that is trying very hard to be a large sword and succeeding admirably. It’s the sort of cutlery that you’d expect to see a woad painted Mel Gibson brandishing on any given Saturday night. The Louts look upon it with bright, hungering eyes.

Suffice it to say that if I didn’t keep it locked up, there wouldn’t be a single lamp shade left in the house in their frenzied attempts at keeping the house pirate free. Yes, this is just the sort of present that I need.

So you’d think that I’d have more sense than to dAmazon, but a couple of Friday nights past I answered one of their e-mails.

“Based on your previous purchases, we think that you might be interested in ‘Modern High-Power Rocketry: An Illustrated How-To Guide’. ” Oooh, was I ever! I’ve always wanted to build a large model rocket that can achieve altitudes of over 5 km. Add to cart? Click!

“People who bought this book, also purchased ‘The Chemistry of Rocket Fuels’.” Well, that makes sense I’ll be needing fuel, after all. Click!

“People who bought this book, also purchased ‘Theory and Modeling of Rocket Fuel and Explosive Combustion’.” Okay. Click!

“People who bought this book, also purchased ‘How to Make Your Own Tennis Ball Bazooka’.” What? That’s so cool! Just wait until Irish Bob challenges me to the next tennis match (“How do you like my volley serve now, Bitch?”). Click!

“People who bought this book, also purchased ‘How to Make Your Own Submachinegun’.” Only $12? Why not? Click!

“People who bought this book, also purchased …” Well, long story made bearable, I bought a dozen or so slim volumes and managed in one alcoholic haze to place myself on the terrorist watch list. The local airport as a new examination room, staffed by a non-smiling power lifter in nitrile gloves who is to give me personal service before I may board a plane.

So let this be a warning to you. If you must buy this sort of crap on Amazon, at least be sober enough to do it in someone else’s name.

And that's the way I likes it.