15 August 2006

I've been rumbled!

"Blah, blah blah, blah, reckless advice...

"Yammer, yammer, yammer, advocating child abuse...

"You are not" the accusatory e-mail concludes, "really any sort of scientist at all, are you?"

Well, you have finally figured it out! I am not, in fact, an evil scientist, but a three foot tall animatronic muppet lizard named Günter.

While being an animatronic muppet carries more caché than being one of the old “arm-up-the-arse” variety, it’s still not easy being green. I compensate for being made out of shag carpet by wearing lab coats, killing secret agents and telling everyone that I'm an evil scientist.

I am, in fact, a hair... well, carpet stylist.

I also harbour a lot of rage against my creator, and have been arrested on a number of occasions for befouling Jim Henson’s grave with large deposits of polyester faeces.

"Concerned Parent", give yourself a hearty pat on the back for solving the Dr. E. Codex. Should your I.Q. ever get to 40, sell.

Listen, pin-head, despite what was posted, I do not advocate the mangling of children's skulls. The fact that the site is purportedly the journal of an hen-pecked, insane, Walter Mitty type evil scientist should make it obvious that nothing posted here is advice that ought to be followed.

However, since you clearly have a low opinion of the intellect of the readers (you may have a point, they are blog readers) I shall make the disclaimer that you desire:

Do not, under any circumstances, knead a baby's skull. It will certainly cause intensive brain damage, dooming the puir, wee, sprat to a life as a perpetually offended twit like "Concerned Parent".

Happy now?

And that's the way I likes it.